Pourin' With Prissy

(Daphne Ruth fending off Prissy Cilla as she attempts to taste-test Daph's cocktail.)

When my lovely cousin, Prissy Cilla of the East Point Possums, announced recently on a Drag-O-Drama podcast that she had been named Cocktail Czar of Atlanta by Mayor Shirley Franklin, I knew that they had found the right drag queen for the job. I truly feel that with Prissy's relentless diligence our god-given right to terrorist-free cocktails will be protected (unlike our ports).

As I understand it, Prissy's duties consist mainly of consuming all open alcohol containers throughout the Atlanta region before they can be tampered with by un-American, anti-cocktail factions. Don't worry Prissy, I did my part up here in Louisville, Kentucky over the weekend. If you're thinking about setting up a committee, I hope you'll keep my impressive credentials in mind.

In the meantime, I received this riveting special bulleting from Prissy and wanted to share it with all my readers. I've added my own asides in parentheses.

LIQUOR WARNING

Of course this does not apply to me, but you may want to pass this on to other people to warn them. Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. (Sure, blame it on the alcohol, hussy!)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. (Like the time Velma "whispered" to me on a crowded Marta train to ask if I was flirting with the cute guy across from me.)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. (Aside from heterosexuality, that is.)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. (Why narrow it down to just your friends?)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. (This should be posted above the door at all karaoke bars.)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. (Okay, just be thankful the next day that you hadn't called your grandmother.)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. (Logic is highly overrated; as is any activity not requiring a little spit.)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. (What if you really are?)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. (As Visa Decline taught us, as long as they're laughing, it's a good thing.)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. (Right Marsha?)

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. (Well, other than your sh!tty attitude, of course.)

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel DOOG (Right Momma Dale?)

Well, that was certainly enlightening, don't you think? I see great things in Atlanta's future stemming from Prissy's new position. Cheers!

Smooches,
Daph