Miss Central Station

(Daphne and Linda sharing some sisterly love)

Those of you following the recent trials and tribulations of Miss Linda Hand Jenkins, detailed in the "Diva Down" posts on this website, will be enthralled with the most recent dramatic chapter. Like a classic installment of Melrose Place, "This is the episode that changes everything!"

Friday evening, about 3 in the morning, I received a deliriously drunk message from Linda; not an uncommon occurrence. Naturally, I was completely blacked out at this point, so the call went to voicemail. I awoke the next afternoon and listened to the message, unable to make out a word that train wreck was slurring. However, I did receive another call a few hours from that diva of Charlotte, North Crazyland.

Linda explained that Friday was the 7-year anniversary of that elegant establishment of libations, Central Station. It's a miracle that it's been standing that long without being condemned! Well, Linda decided that this would be the perfect occasion to make her first public appearance after all her health problems involving her bad back. Like a rebounding Liz Taylor, Linda squeezed into her sluttiest hot pink dress with matching hair and headed over to bask in some adoration. Linda had one goal in mind: win the title of Miss Central Station and claim that $100 cash prize!

After blowing poor Linda off for weeks, Pinkie Jenkins put down that turkey drumstick long enough to give Linda a call to wish her luck during the competition. However, Linda was in the middle of putting on her face and shrieked, "I don't have time for you right now!" CLICK!

When Linda arrived at the celebration, it was clear to everyone that there was more to her recent ailments than previously revealed. In her own eloquent words, "Linda been hiding sh!t from ya. You know all this back problem she's been having, it's due cuz she was pregnated and that's what caused her back to fall out." Poor Linda couldn't hide her dirty little secret any longer. She received an onslaught of inquiries regard her condition and everyone guessed that she must be having twins; Linda was big as a house!

Before long, the competition began and everything was going perfectly for Linda. This 'Baby Mama' was the center of attention and loving every minute of it. But right when that title seemed just within her grasp, Linda started to feel like the enchiladas she had for dinner might be trying to push their way back out. "I think the turtle's poking his head out of its shell," Linda charmingly confided to her dear friend and former Miss Central Station, Miss Tina Tantrum. However, Tina knew what was really happening. She got down on her hands and knees and helped Linda deliver two beautiful baby twin boys on the dingy dance floor of Central Station. Showing her blossoming maternal side, Linda beamed, "I'm surprised my babies don't have birth defects, but they're beautiful."

When questioned on the parentage of the babies, Linda was understandably unclear on the issue as one bundle of joy was white and the other was black. "Well, I think Greg (the owner of central station) is the daddy of one of them. Twan, that big ol' black daddy, is the other." When asked how the babies were doing, Linda replied, "I think I left them in the trash can."

Naturally, after this fantastic display, Linda won the title of Miss Central Station Hand's down. Of course, the $100 cash prize was retained in order to reduce Linda's astronomical bar tab. But hey, think of the (restroom) doors that a title like that is going to open for Linda in her career.

Unfortunately, there is a dark side to the title of Miss Central Station. It seems that the only other title holder still living is Miss Tina Tantrum. Former Miss Central Station, the legendary Miss Visa Decline, passed away earlier this year. Another former winner was found in a dumpster after a domestic dispute. Girl, this sounds worse than that Brady Bunch curse from the two-part Hawaiian episode. Be careful Linda, and don't go surfing anytime soon.

I'm confident that Tina and Linda will find a way to reverse the Miss Central Station curse. I'll be joining Linda next weekend in Charlotte for Purgatory, a super hero-themed fetish ball. The weekend after that is Momma Dale's Wigstock-themed birthday bash for Peggy. We all look forward to seeing the newly titled Linda make her Atlanta return engagement for this highly anticipated social event. How ever will she top her Central Station performance?

Smooches,
Daphne Ruth Jenkins