Diva Down

(Daphne and Linda realizing they have no hope of beating Visa Decline)

This urgent report just came in from my crazy cousin, Glenda Louise, down in Savannah. Earlier this week, Miss Linda Hand Jenkins was taking a long overdue shower and cleaning out her dirty p#$$y when she sneezed and found that she couldn't move. I'm sure that Linda's first thought must have been that her nondiscriminating partying had finally caught up with her and that she had been shoveling powdered bleach up her nose the night before instead of the gutter-grade blow she usually partakes in. However, the truth is that Linda had slipped a disc. I fear it will be some time before Linda again graces us with her party-girl dance moves and joi de sleaze.

During her recent visit to Atlanta during Pride weekend, Linda had complained repeatedly about her back and a pinched sensation in her legs. I naturally assumed that it was from spending so much time on her back with her ankles pinned up behind her ears. Linda's version of the story is that she put her back out a few weeks earlier helping the dearly-departed Visa Decline's family clean out her apartment. That story actually does hold vodka: have you seen the size of those pumps Linda snagged from Visa's pad?

Well, this just adds another layer to the ever-evolving drama that is the Miss Beaver Creek Gray Water Trailer Park Princess Pageant. First Visa is tragically taken from us; then Linda is put out of commission. I received a call from Miss Dolly Wood Jenkins that I better have my alibis in place. However, I had nothing to gain from Linda's downfall. Let's not forget, I placed ahead of Linda in the competition. Let's see, who does that leave? I just can't imagine who (Pinkie) would be heartless enough (Pinkie) to perpetrate these horrendous acts (Pinkie) on such lovely and big-hearted ladies (Pinkie). All I know is that Dannyboy and DJ better finish up interviewing the applicants for my personal bodyguard. When I last checked in they assured me that there were some enormously talented candidates going through the second round of interviews. Those boys are so thorough!

Please keep Linda in your thoughts and wish her a speedy recovery. Our cracked-out, drunken binges in Charlotte will not be the same without her effervescent smiling face.

Smooches,
Daphne Ruth Jenkins