Desperate Drag Queens

With my busy social calendar and frequent public appearances, it’s difficult for me to find time for most television programs. However, over the years, there have been a few guilty pleasures that I’ve not been able to do without.

At one time, you couldn’t tear me away from the Fox Network from 8 to 9 pm every Monday for “Melrose Place”. I think it probably says a lot about me that I learned pretty much everything I needed to know about life, work and friendship from that classic ode to malicious backstabbing and adultery. The show featured an endless parade of divine bitch goddesses: the ageless ice princess Amanda Woodward; psychopathic psychiatrist Kimberly Shaw; scheming Taylor “Lip Lass” McBride; and the luscious Lexi Sterling Cooper.

Eventually all the cast members had slept with and/or double-crossed one another, so the show had to come to its inevitable conclusion. Luckily, I had developed a new obsession by this time in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. Despite my natural aversion to the vapid Sarah Michelle Gellar, I found myself completely sucked into Joss Whedon’s clever dialogue and the ceaseless atmosphere of impending Armageddon. Buffy and her equally enthralling spin-off, “Angel”, kept my couch potato cravings satisfied for a good many years until they too eventually came to their apocalyptic ends.

These days, I find myself hopelessly at the mercy of ABC’s delightful duo: the enigmatic “Lost”; and the deliciously campy “Desperate Housewives”. I was originally drawn to “Lost” due to its very unusual concept and the inclusion of LOTR’s Merry as one of the cast members. I became an addict due to the strong character-driven plotlines and the hot male castaways. The sight of Sayid in that sweaty tank top with his cocoa skin glistening in the harsh tropical sun and his dark banana curls of hair blowing in the breeze has me reaching for my “Handy-Dandy Back Massager 2000” every time.

On the other hand, the draw for me on “Desperate Housewives” is definitely the women. Not since “Melrose Place” has there been such a stellar cast of quirky female characters. My favorite among the lead characters is Bree Van De Kamp, played with perfect intensity by “Melrose Place” veteran, Marcia Cross. What fan will ever forget her climbing on top of her philandering husband in a hospital bed and purring that she’s glad he’s alive and that he still loves her because it will hurt him that much more when she destroys him. No other television actress does “crazy bitch” better than Marcia. If she doesn’t trump the overrated Teri “Susan” Hatcher at Emmy time, the voters need to get a clue.

My favorite among the supporting cast is Harriet Sansom Harris as Felicia Tilman. Felicia entered the show part way through the season after her sister, Martha Huber went missing. Felicia immediately made an impression with her no bullsh!t attitude and refusal to pretend that she was overwrought about her sister. There was no love lost between Felicia and Martha, “My sister was a real piece of work.” Felicia also provided on of the most rewarding climaxes of the season when she single-handedly wrested custody of troubled young Zach from Martha’s murderer, Paul Young. When Paul asked if he could at least say goodbye to Zach, Felicia glibly replied, “Now did you let me say goodbye to Martha?”

However, we are deep in the summer and it’s been months since a new episode of “Desperate Housewives” aired. In my desperation for anything related to my new favorite show, I went to the official website to see if there was something there that might sate my longings until the new season. Lo and behold, I found a deliriously entertaining poll called “Which Housewife Are You?” You’re asked a series of probing and deeply personal questions that reveal which character you’re most like.

I was initially shocked when the quiz revealed that I am a “Gabrielle”. Yet, the more that I thought about it, the more a twisted logic began to reveal itself. Gabrielle, is the gorgeous and vain, former model with a weakness for her teenage lawn boy. Lord knows I can be pretty darn self-absorbed. And, I do have an unrelenting taste for “chicken”. I’m starting to think that this quiz is downright scientific.

So, I’m asking all of you ladies to get over to the official “Desperate Housewives” website and find out who you really are. Hell, it’s cheaper than therapy. Be sure to stop back and leave me a comment revealing the results of the poll. My guess is that Marsha is Bree, Velma is Susan, Momma is Lynette and Pinkie is Edie.

Smooches,
Daphne Ruth Jenkins