Vancouver Ice Queen

(Daphne Ruth Jenkins drinking in the sights at Hotlanta's recent Black Gay Pride festivities.)

DJ and I just returned from a whirlwind tour of Vancouver, British Columbia. What an absolutely enchanting city. It reminded me of a Canadian version of San Francisco. I plan to write about our adventures there for my next couple of posts.

As most of you know, we were more than a little dissappointed that during our trip we'd be missing the finale to Atlanta Drag Idol at Charlie Brown's Cabaret. However, my sister Pinkie covered the herstory-making event in gory detail over at Pillow Talk With Pinkie D. Jenkins. I was thrilled to hear that the glamtastic Gigi Monroe captured the crown in a show-stopping theatrical spectacle. Do stop by Pinkie's to find out more.

In the meantime, DJ and I ironically stumbled across the first round of Vancouver's own Smirnoff Ice Queen competition at The Odyssey Night Club. The rules were a little different than Atlanta Drag Idol: for each Smirnoff product that you bought, you obtained a ballot to vote for your favorite diva. Naturally, DJ and I wound up with a fistfull of votes for our favorite performers.

First up was Sofanda Wholes in a clingy green dress and unstyled blonde hair. The first thing I noticed was that girlfriend was barely wearing any make-up. As judge Gouda Gabor quipped, "You either need to wear more base or get a closer shave." And Gouda should know, her generously lacquered lips left a big red circle around her microphone five minutes into the show. Gouda's advice may sound harsh but Sofanda needed the advice. At one point, she lifted her dress to reveal a pistol strapped to her leg. Unfortunately, she also flashed the audience her less-than-examplary tuck job. Someone give this girl a needs-based scholarship to Drag-O-Rama University.

I was getting more than a little nervous that I'd stepped into the drag dark ages. However, the next girl up, Kristina Cash, was a vast improvement. By far, the most fishy of the group, Kristina could easily have passed for a past-her-prime sorority sister at a local meat market straight bar. For her number, Kristina chose a great song, though not a terrific choice necessarily for her. Kristina made a valiant attempt at Christina Aguilera's "Fighter". Her lip-synching was spot-on. However, she looked more like she was ready for a nap than ready for a rumble. Having performed this number myself recently, I can tell you that it's a high energy piece. As Fantasia taught us all on American Idol, "You need to get ugly!" Apparently, Dax, the drag king judge who won last year's Ice Queen agreed. His own number to open the show was a powerhouse performance. Dax suggested that Kristina "give it more" during her next peformance.

Kamelle Toe, was up next to show the rest of the girls exactly what it means to "give it". Kamelle's brassy rendition of "Red Neck Woman" had her fans singing and clapping along. She may not have been wearing as much make-up as I would to take the trash out; however, her denim and plaid, cowboy hat wearing, gap-toothed style fit the song perfectly. The third judge, a local actor who I'll call Napoleon, leered, "Call me when your other tooth falls out." According to Kristina, a voracious gossip, Napoleon's propositioned her as well. Stick to your guns, Kamelle, you can win this competition on talent alone.

The fourth contestant of the night was Tequila Mockingbird. Not to be confused with the Marietta-based drag queen of the same name, this Tequila is a pretty slip of a thing with a penchant for Britney Spears. Her red-sequined boustier and matching hat were a breath of fresh air after the off-the-rack outfits worn by the other ladies that night. While her number did linger around a bit longer than it should have, she undeniably had some great dance moves. However, as Kristina purred, "Sure, she can dance, but what else has she got?"

To pile ironies on top of ironies, D'rea Dream, the next performer, tried her hand at "Poor Unfortunate Souls" from The Little Mermaid. This is the same song that the legenday Alexandria Martin nailed a few nights earlier at Atlanta Drag Idol. However, D'rea lacked Alexandria's visual panache, wearing a simple black dress with fringe. The closest thing to a nautical theme about her outfit was the fact that her hair was so flat it looked like she had washed it in the ocean at low tide.

Just when my faith in Canadian drag was starting to fail again, January hit the stage to the beat of "Naughty Girl". Like a big, bold and beautiful Beyonce, January shook her booty and tosssed her long satiny real hair. January had the crowd on it's feet and in the palm of her hand. This Child has a Destiny in the finals of the competition.

Well, no one was surpised when Iona Whip, the host of the evening, announced that D'rea Dream was in the bottom two. However, I was shocked to hear that Tequila Mockingbird was. That Sofanda Wholes must have a lot of vodka guzzling friends in the audience to have passed onto the next phase of the contest.

In this competition, the bottom two girls get to perform one more song and then the judges decide who gets booted. Much to my horror, Tequila Mockingbird did another Britney song. And, this was after Gouda Gabor told her, "I don't want to hear anymore f#cking Britney Spears!" D'rea Dream's second number started out strong with a fun medley of crowd-pleasing anthems. However, it definitely overstayed its welcome, and that hair didn't get any less flat. While the judges seemed concerned about Tequila's lack of range, they unanimously decided to put D'rea out of her misery.

Next week, there will be another herd of brand new contestants competing for a spot in week three's Britney-themed round. Look's like Gouda will not be getting her wish! I'm certainly curious to hear how the competition unfolds. For my money, Kamelle Toe and January are the girls to beat from round one's bevy of beauties. If anyone has updates available in the coming weeks, please let me know.

The Vancouver drag scene was completely different than what I am accustomed to in Atlanta: the girls wore a whole lot less make-up; there were very few hip pads in sight; and a sorry number of them need lessons in how to jack their hair. However, I also noticed that not a single patron tipped! No wonder these ladies don't go all out. You have to pay for your entertainment.

Granted, I was wondering how tipping would work given that Canadians use $1 and $2 coins, not bills. These girls need serious change purses. In the immortal words of Miss Dolly Parton, "It's expensive looking this cheap."

Smooches,

Daphne Ruth Jenkins