Corn Cobb Craziness

(Daphne Ruth Jenkins showing off her pesticide-free Miss Corn Cobb County Pageant presentation gown.)

As many of you know, this past Saturday was the Miss Corn Cobb County Pageant at LeBuzz in Marietta. My dear friend, Alexandria Martin was the reigning Miss Corn Cobb County and had encouraged me to enter the competition. Convinced, I got on the wire and enlisted the entire Drag-O-Rama network to assist me in this venture. After weeks of preparation and rehearsal I felt as ready as I was ever going to be to make my LeBuzz debut.

At the advice of Gigi Monroe, I arrived at the bar early to get the lay of the land. The host of the evening, Tequila Mockingbird, greeted me as soon as I entered the door. As I was the first girl to arrive, Tequila helped me to stake out the very best spot in the dressing room. She also graciously gave me the grand tour of the facilities, making me feel right at home.

Since I had settled in early, I had the pleasure of mingling with the crowd as they filed in for the show. It was a joy to see so many old friends arrive to support me in my latest endeavor. I met lots of new sweeties too as the audience swelled to mythic proportions.

But, once the event began, it was all business. The first round was presentation. I had spent about 10 hours making the dress by hand the day before using several dozen of ears of corn and a vat of hot glue. The body of the dress consisted of rows of cornhusks to give the appearance of fringe. The breast section and back was made of glittered popcorn. I applied the corn silk to the collar for a final accent. Momma Dale crafted a tower of hair for me complete with Indian corn and crows perched atop the summit. Peggy completed the look with a lovely corn-sage. I felt every bit the Corn Cobb diva as I hit the stage in my 100% organic costume.

My presentation speech detailed the traumatic odyssey to the competition stage which began when I awoke that very morning to find my bowel movement filled with corn kernels despite the fact that I hadn't eaten any corn the evening before. I described the prophetic vision that I witnessed as those mystical nuggets formed the words "Miss Corn Cobb County 2005" in that sulfurous stew. To prove the veracity of my tale, I brought along a few of the kernels (actually candy corn) and handed them out to the audience. Watch out for the brown ones!

Next up, we had the talent showcase. Alexandria had enlisted the skills of that hottie, Billy, to put together a definitive Daphne Prozac music mix. As the opening lines to Anastacia's "Why'd You Lie To Me" pounded, I prowled the stage wearing a lime green leather jacket and my yellow japanimation hair. However, the song was interrupted as Pinkie took the stage wearing a latex nurse's uniform and carrying a giant pill bottle. After espousing the benefits of Prozac, "the quicker picker-upper", Pinkie gave me a pill and left me to my drug-induced delirium. I ripped off the jacket, revealing a citrus orange sequined dress while dancing my bipolar ass to "Walking On Sunshine".

Just when everything seemed happy and light, one could hear the sound of breaking glass over the music. I ran off stage only to return with giant curly cherry red porn vixen hair. The music switched to Marianne Faithful's "Why'd Ya Do It?" as I crawled out of the dress to reveal a black skirt and courset. By the time I was shrieking, "Why'd ya spit on my sn#tch?" Nurse Pinkie was back on stage to give me another dose. But, this time I swatted the pill out of her hand, chugged the entire bottle and spit a shower of meds all over the front row.

After stumbling around the stage in my overdosed daze, the music shifted to Sylvester's "You Make Me Feel Mighty Real". Once I got my groove back, I peeled that black skirt off, revealing tiny leopard print bikini bottoms and a pair of dangly testes. The crowd went wild to the finale as I boogied and showed them just how "Real" I was feelin'.

If I had to choose one talent routine that I felt stood out from the pack, it would be Lana Cane's "I'm Coming Out" birthing scene. The funny thing is, Lana claims to have never heard of Leigh Bowery, the avant-garde diva who perfected the gross-out birth number. Regardless, Lana was an absolute sweetheart and a fantastic competitor.

Eveningwear and Q&A were combined for the final round. I donned a fat suit and an adorable tablecloth, country-style dress complete with smiling corncobs. For the event, I premiered a new cotton candy pink banana curl wig. The crafty Peggy supplied the finishing touch of spray cheese bottle earrings.

For the crowning ceremony, my constant aid, Momma Dale, helped me slip into my 70's housewife gown with flowing train. We added a few whimsical butterflies to my flaming orange disco hair. Even though I wasn't able to watch the competition, it came as no surprise when Fajita Marinara was crowned Miss Corn Cobb County 2005. This LeBuzz favorite clearly owns tons of talent and had the crowd wrapped around her manicured hooves. Fajita's cow costume for the talent round was a model of disgusting hilarity. Watching her was like seeing the dearly departed Visa Decline reincarnated.

I had never been so happy NOT to win something as I watched Alexandria Martin crown Fajita by jamming the hairpins into her scalp. Poor Fajita fell to the crowd as Alexandria continued to impale the newly minted queen. I screamed, "I see blood," as Elise Kensington pulled Alexandria off the wailing Fajita.

Without a doubt, I had an absolute blast in the pageant. I felt like I learned a ton through the experience and am so proud that I created the cornhusk dress myself. After the event, both Alexandria and Tequila Mockingbird commended me on my performance. The best part, though, was seeing all the smiling faces beaming up at me as I gave my all to entertain my friends. Even though I didn't claim the crown, I felt like I had won in all the ways that really count.

And so, I want to give a special thank you to everyone who helped me get ready for the pageant and to all who came to support me that night. Know that you all inspire me so much and that I could never do this without you.

Smooches,
Daph