Where's My Klute?

I finally watched Klute recently and discovered some shocking similarities between the high-class call girl character played by the enormously talented Jane Fonda and myself. From the minute I observed Jane sneaking a glance at her watch while a John pummeled away at her numb girlie parts, I knew I had discovered a kindred spirit.

Furthermore, it is revealed in this classic thriller that Jane is being haunted by a nefarious stalker who gets off on listening to recordings of her talking nasty to her clientele. Recently I received a mysterious envelope with no return address. On the outside of the letter, it said, "A Gift For You". Well, I naturally tore it open expecting a check, the deed to some property or at the very least some cash. However, all that was to be found was a picture of me receiving my first-runner-up trophy from Momma at the recent Ms. Beaver Creek Grey Water Trailer Park Princess Pageant. Granted, it's a glorious photograph which I've attached to this post. However, it seems to me that it's more of a gift for my adoring fans than a gift for myself!

My first reaction was that my dear Momma had sent me the picture. However, Momma received the same picture in the mail and has no idea who sent it. Spooky! I fear that my stellar performance the night of the pageant may have pushed one of my adoring fans over the edge and sent him into a nightmare world of raving obsession. I really do need to learn to be more careful with my talents.

To make matters worse, the bunny that I decapitated during the show disappeared shortly after the performance. I fear that this poor deluded soul may be pleasuring himself over its bloody corpse even as I write these words in a sick attempt to imagine himself closer to my awesome persona.

SPOILERS BELOW
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In the film, Jane's stalker goes onto murder several of her close girlfriends. I just don't know what I would do if my stalker started cutting a swath through my sisters in an attempt to get to me. Good thing Marsha knows her way around a sharp blade. And lord knows he'd have a hard time strangling Pinkie with all those chins to fight past.

In the end, Jane is saved by Klute, the pure-hearted investigator played by Donald Sutherland in the film. Where's my damn Klute? All I have is my degenerate twin brother, Dannyboy, who always seems to disappear when I'm around. At least his "roommate" DJ is always there to take care of me. Unfortunately, he tends to cut-out whenever a cute Daddy appears.

So, I'm currently taking applications for my own personal bodyguard/personal investigator. Please e-mail me your resumes. Include references, personal stats: length and girth; top or bottom. I suspect Dannyboy and DJ will be conducting thorough cavity searches...I mean interviews among the top applicants.

Smooches,
Daphne Ruth Jenkins